Gay and bi men have some of the highest rates of body dissatisfaction, disordered eating, and compulsive exercise of any group. That's not because there's something broken about us. It's because we grew up being told we were inferior for being gay — and then arrived in gay spaces to find our value there was measured largely by how we look.
That's a lot of weight to put on a body.
Why the Scene Is Like This
You already know how it works. Body type filters on apps. A whole vocabulary for who's in and who's not. Specific looks elevated, everyone else marginalised. This didn't come from nowhere — some of it is decades of gay men bonding through hyper-masculinity as armour, some of it is advertising, some of it is just what happens when you concentrate a lot of men who are attracted to men in the same spaces.
None of that makes it your fault. But it does mean most of us absorbed the message that our body is part of our worth — and that message is everywhere.
When It Becomes Something More
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is when you're stuck in a loop about a perceived flaw that others genuinely can't see. It's not just insecurity — it's intrusive, it eats time, and reassurance doesn't touch it.
Muscle dysmorphia is the version that hits men most: never muscular enough, no matter how much you train. Getting bigger doesn't fix it. The goalpost moves.
Both show up significantly more in gay and bi men than in the wider male population. Signs to watch for:
- More than an hour a day caught up in how your body looks
- Avoiding social situations because of it
- Compulsive mirror-checking — or avoiding mirrors entirely
- Hitting your "goal body" and feeling no relief
If that's you: it's treatable (CBT works well for this), and it's worth taking seriously. It makes your life smaller the longer it runs.
The Thing About Bodies and Worth
Here's the part worth sitting with: getting the body you want doesn't fix the feeling. Guys who get there find out fast — the goalpost moves, or the anxiety just transfers somewhere else. That's because what's driving it isn't a body problem.
What's your sense of your own value actually based on?
If the honest answer is "how I look" — that's built on something that changes, ages, and gets injured. And it can never fully deliver, because no physical change permanently fixes a feeling. The need underneath (to feel wanted, valued, like you belong) is real. A body is just a poor way to meet it.
Desirability Isn't the Same as Worth
More people wanting to sleep with you doesn't make you more valuable. Sexual desirability is partly looks and partly a hundred other things that have nothing to do with who you are.
Some of the most content, connected people you'll meet have average bodies by app standards. Some of the most miserable people in any gym look exactly how the culture says they should.
How you look doesn't determine whether you deserve good sex, care, love, or belonging. Knowing that and feeling it are different things — and closing that gap is what honest community, lived experience, and sometimes therapy are for.
What Helps
Cut what's making it worse. If you finish a scroll feeling worse about yourself than before you opened it, that feed is working against you. Unfollow, mute, delete. It's not neutral.
Build other places to feel good about yourself. What you do, how you show up for people, what you've built — these hold up better than appearance and they don't age out.
Find people who've been through it. Not influencers performing body positivity. Actual people in your life who've navigated this and come out the other side. That conversation is worth more than most.
Talk to someone if it's taking over. If body stuff is eating a chunk of your day or keeping you from doing things, that's past "being hard on yourself." A therapist who works with gay and bi men is worth finding.
Disordered eating and compulsive exercise in men are massively underdiagnosed — the field has historically focused on women. If you're doing things with food or exercise that are hurting you, that's real regardless of your gender. Most countries have eating disorder support services that accept men — search for one local to you, or ask your GP or sexual health clinic to point you to the right place.
The Mental Health Series
The psychology section covers this territory in depth. These articles are designed to be useful on their own, but they connect: